Our Daughters Like Corner Pillars Cut for the Structure of a Palace

Rick McKee, 6/13/13:

It is right and proper for men to control the sexuality of their women.

Maybe -- just maybe -- if they do as they're told, we'll let them vote the way we tell them to.

Someone Else Should Go and Stop That!

Rob Rogers, 6/14/13:

Postulate: The US is required to intervene militarily in any countries where more than a handful of people are killed unnecessarily.

Fact: In 2010, 30,000 Americans were killed by guns.

Conclusion: America must invade the USA!

HALO Jumpers Gone Wrong

Lisa Benson, 6/15/13:

Hey, remember how before Obamacare health insurance premiums were dropping substantially?

Neither does anyone else...except Benson, I guess.

Where The White Women At?

Ken Catalino, 6/16/13:

Your choice of interpretations!

If you're feeling very, very charitable: Obama chooses his political appointees for the most superficial reasons.

Otherwise: lock up the white women! Black President on the prowl!

When There's No More Room in Green-Wood, The Dead Will Walk the LIE

Peter Dunlap-Shohl, 6/6/13:

Cemeteries are a finite resource which will run out very soon, not one of many uses for land or an area that can (and regularly has been) re-used or re-purposed for other things.

Also, Dunlap-Shohl draws like a drunken baboon.

Swab It To Me

Joe Heller, 6/6/13:

Police are required to get a warrant before collecting any personally-identifying information from the people they arrest, such as their names and fingerprints.

Cecil the Oil-Sick Land Serpent?

Ann Cleaves, 6/6/13:

Um...everything that crosses a US border should be treated exactly the same, whether it's a poor person looking for a job or a multi-billion-dollar oil pipeline?

What the hell?!

Oh No! Foreign Ownership of Our Militarily Sensitive Pork Industry!

Ed Gamble, 6/6/13:

When foreign interests buy large American buildings -- as, for example, when the Japanese bought up huge swaths of Manhattan in the mid-80s, leading to gasps and garment-rending from Gamble's spiritual predecessors -- they immediately pack up those buildings and take them back to their homelands.

They certainly don't pump money into the US by that purchase and find themselves with a serious interest in the health of at least the micro-economy around their buildings. No, sir, that's the last thing they do.

Hybristophlia Ahoy!

Ken Catalino, 6/4/13:

Americans have never been attracted to notorious criminals -- not Dillinger, not Bonnie & Clyde, not Ted Bundy, not Richard Ramirez, not Charles Manson.

Nope. It's never happened before today.

Whatever Happened to "You Have Nothing to Worry About If You Aren't Guilty"?

John Deering, 6/4/13:

Because IRS audits are trials that take place before judges, where pleading the Fifth would have some actual meaning, instead of being administrative hearings where a taxpayer -- or, if he's smart, his representative -- must defend his case, or else he loses by default.

TL; DR: There's no presumption that a tax return is correct, the way there's a presumption of innocence.

Paddington! How COULD You!

Eric Allie, 6/4/13:

Is she talking to the picture of her husband? And is that supposed to be their hideous deformed bear-child?

Remember, if there's a bear in your house, the thing to do is first starve it until it's weak, and then drown it in the bathtub.

Another Use for that Mouth?

Signe Wilkinson, 6/5/13:

After generations of the women's movement, feminism, the sexual revolution, and ever-more-liberated men, cunnilingus is finally suitable for talking about.

Unfortunately, it's by an actor who claims it will give you cancer....

A Principled Argument In Favor Of Letting the Old Die in Ditches, From an Old Man

Chuck Asay, 6/5/13:

C'mon -- someone must have told Asay that the immigration bill only covers people who got into the US illegally many years ago, right?

Surely he can't get something that basic wrong, can he?

Would YOU Walk a Mile?

Clay Bennett, 6/5/13:

One of our two major political parties -- tracing its history back to Abraham Lincoln and the fight against slavery -- is the moral equivalent of peddling cancer-sticks to children.

Well, at least no one can be confused about Bennett's position!

Condemned For a Crime He Most Certainly DID Commit

John Cole, 6/5/13:

It is an outrage that police are allowed to collect personally identifying information from people they've arrested!

We all know that there is no time when an American is entitled to more privacy than right after he's been arrested, right? There's no photography, fingerprinting, change of clothes (and possibly cavity search) at that time -- and certainly the police would never dream of trying to have crime victims identify an arrestee visually!

No, we must ensure that police can never collect any information whatsoever on suspects to identify them -- we must preserve the privacy of our accused!

Ah, the Ford Anglia 105E Deluxe!

Christopher Weyant, 6/3/13:

If you get too "close" to a scandal -- i.e., if you look like you'll actually do political damage to the other party -- the UN Black Helicopters will swoop down and disappear your ass forever more.

Seriously, is Weyant trying to warn that the scandals themselves are going to destroy these random Republican elephants in their flying car? What on earth is that supposed to mean, metaphorically?

It's So Funny When Girls Try to Do Stuff

Pat Oliphant, 6/3/13:

Ha ha! Isn't it funny when girls try to do boy things!?

They're no good at it! They need to stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, making Oliphant a sandwich, where they belong!

Facepalm

Chuck Asay, 5/30/13:

Yes, as long as you think "gay" means "men who like to have sex with boys," you won't understand logic.

Also, black men should never be allowed near our frail white women, and we must halt the rise of those lazy immigrants from southern Europe!

I'll Keep the Money and You Can Have the Rope

A.F. Branco, 5/30/13:

Hispanics -- who are 17% of the US population now, and are projected to be 29% in 2050 -- will never vote for any Republicans.

Also, Republicans have no hopes of ever winning over Democrats -- who currently have a 47% - 42% lead in party affiliation in the US.

If Branco really believes those things, the elephant really only has a choice of suicide methods -- and this one at least would be quick.

Born In The Log Cabin He Built With His Own Hands

Terry Wise, 5/29/13:

Not that I want to stop any put-downs of smug know-it-alls -- because we all hate those guys, no matter what their political persuasion....

"And we all build our houses individually, like the Randian he-men we are! There certainly aren't major companies that put up large quantities of single-family homes, abetted by cheap land and lax land-usage standards!"

Only Reagan Could Take a Nap

A.F. Branco, 5/28/13:

No other President has ever gotten away with scandals -- all previous residents of the White House who got blowjobs from interns, or traded arms for hostages, or barfed on foreign diplomats, or ranted about killer squirrels, or let terrorists kill 3000 Americans were all driven out of office immediately.

Who's the Leader of the Club?

Steve Kelley, 5/25/13:

There have been a lot of cartoons over the past week slamming Obama for claiming that every single one of the recent scandals had nothing to do with him, since he's too important and mighty to bother with trivialities. (Many of those have been decent cartoons, and goodness knows there's plenty to dig into on that front.)

Kelley goes a bit farther this time, and finally figures out what to do with those big ears -- cartoonists have been using them to caricature Obama for five years now, but they haven't meant anything until now. Kelley, though, gives us a great visual shorthand over four panels.

Apologies to anyone reading this far and expecting an explosion of sarcasm; this is actually a good, smart cartoon about real issues, with drawing that complements the writing.

Explain This Cartoon and Win a No-Prize!

Ken Catalino, 5/24/13:

Um, what?

I thought the knife-wielding guy was supposed to be Obama -- mostly because Catalino is obsessed with attacking Obama -- but that makes no sense given the caption.

Actually, it's difficult to find a single thing in this cartoon that makes sense -- for example, is the guy chasing a Tank Called Democracy? With a knife? Why? And who is he, anyway?

We Don't Need No Water

Ted Rall, 5/24/13:

Exactly! Because we know that when we create Solomonic solutions like that, it's always the rich, powerful, connected corporations that will bear the brunt of the costs!

May Tend to Incriminate Me

Randy Bish, 5/23/13:

"...because it's not as if you have a whole pile of legal documents that I signed and sent to you every single year to use as evidence, right? The IRS has to get taxpayers to admit they committed fraud to get the money back, so I'm safe as long as I keep quiet!"

Also, Lois Lerner did have a lawyer -- he was the one who advised her to take the Fifth.

And there's nothing wrong with refusing to talk to the IRS -- unless, of course, you want to convince them to your side of the story....