Dick Locher, 6/8/12:
Illegal immigration is primarily a matter of poor foreigners leaving their babies on the US's doorstep, ringing the bell, and then running away.
Sadly, the US is hard of hearing, so those babies inevitably die -- and that's why the number of illegal immigrants to the US has dropped substantially in recent years.
(There's a potential expansion of this idea of the US's doorstep, involving flaming bags on unpleasant substances and unfriendly countries, but luckily Locher left that to the imagination.)
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