Jan 31, 2013

Spare the Rod

Terry Wise, 1/30/13:
This is a cartoon literally about beating up people smaller than you until they do what you want.

And, as Genghis Khan knew, it does work.


Ed Gamble, 1/30/13:
Typically, an editorial cartoonist will take a stand on the issues, but not ol' Ed! He's content to just say that there's a plan on illegal immigration in the works, and he's sure our infinitely wise government will carry it out effortlessly.

Gamble is also possibly the only cartoonist left who could use an "out of the closet" metaphor like this, and mean it utterly innocently, bless his heart.

We're All Mad Here

Randy Bish, 1/30/13:
Americans are terrorized daily by a lack of adequate government-funded health care!

Oh, wait, I think Bish is against that, too.

I mean, look out! Gorilla!

And This One Is For Bravery, And This One Is For Me

Chan Lowe, 1/30/13:
When you're not sure what to do in any situation, ask yourself: what course of action will keep the flow of sweet, sweet corporate cash flowing?

Then do that.

Jan 30, 2013

Not a Clue, Sorry

Nate Beeler, 1/29/13:
This was marked as a local cartoon, so it's entirely possible I'm not supposed to be able to understand it.

But how difficult can it be to understand? Sure, Internet Cafes are running a combination charity bingo parlor and sausage factory -- doesn't that happen in every town?

I can't help but think that if the ground meat was just labeled, then I'd know what was going on.

Jan 29, 2013

Bibbidi Bobbidi What-the-Hell?!

Graeme MacKay, 1/26/13:
This is actually how Canadians pick their political leaders -- through the time-hallowed ceremony of The Shoe Fittings.

Cantinflas, Where Have You Gone?

Bob Gorrell, 1/28/13:
In case you have forgotten, Gorrell would like to remind you that all this sweet talk about "illegal immigration" is really about dirty foreigners.

And, if you should happen to be worried that he'll either steal your job or burgle your home, then Gorrell has done his job for the day.

Jan 28, 2013

Cover Your Ears and Whistle

Eric Allie, 1/25/13:
Believe absolutely nothing you hear anywhere but from Rush and Fox -- they're all lying to you about everything!

Really! Everything!

Just Try to Read the Fine Print!

Jeff Stahler, 1/27/13:
The only possible reason for disagreeing with our current President on anything is that you're blind.

Live Confused

Chuck Asay, 1/25/13:
I suppose you could make the case that Obama lied about closing Guantanamo, betrayed his supporters who wanted a full Euro-style single-payer health-care system, and bullied Congressional Democrats into pushing through his watered-down, center-right proposals during his first term.

But I can't figure out why Asay would be upset about any of that.

Rosie the RPGer is Coming!

Bruce Plante, 1/25/13:
Our military opponents in Afghanistan -- where we're already withdrawing, after failing to achieve our goals -- will be upset and demoralized if some of the lower number of US soldiers facing them, some time in the future, are female and thus both reinforce their propaganda about the decadent, evil West and give them greater opportunities to capture American women for further propaganda purposes.

Uh huh. And monkeys will fly out of my ass.

Dr. Mary Walker Would Like a Word

Gary Varvel, 1/25/13:
Women in the US military have never, up to this day, been captured as POWs -- but allowing them to serve in combat would suddenly allow that possibility.

Also, the whole thing about Barbie as the primary role model and image for young women -- can't forget that.

Dripping Poison in His Ear

Lisa Benson, 1/25/13:
Obama should open the Keystone XL pipeline, which would send dirty, messy oil-jobs spewing forth across the Oval Office...and this is a good thing!

This metaphor may perhaps not have been thought through as well as it could have been; this cartoon does not look like an argument in favor of opening a pipeline.

Jan 25, 2013

They're All His Helicopters

Michael Ramirez, 1/24/13:
Watch out! Obama's going to get us into another useless quagmire war!

Even worse: it's not one of the ones the GOP wants!

Also, has it been long enough that people forget it was Bush that had the big flight-suit "Mission Accomplished" fiasco? Ramirez sure hopes so....

Get Your Scrambled Eggs Back in the Kitchen!

Bob Gorrell, 1/24/13:
Having women serve in combat is completely horrible, for reasons Gorrell would be happy to explain...

...if only he didn't have this darn 3:00 tee-time.

Maybe tomorrow!

Yesterday's Laziest Cartoon

John R. Rose, 1/24/13:
The true job of the President is to refuse to spend any money whatsoever, like your skinflint uncle.

The Great Whatever

Lisa Benson, 1/24/13:
The Benghazi attack was only outrageous up until the election.

You know, I was sure Benson would hate Hillary more than this.

Things Known, Things Unknown, & In Between

Ed Hall, 1/24/13:
...and the shocking lack of security at the White House it is!

Jan 24, 2013

Yes, Folks, He's Serious

Chuck Asay, 1/23/13:
Simply allowing governments to help women and children in need will inevitably drive their husbands and fathers away, and this is bad.

Therefore, government must never do anything that would even, in the slightest way, benefit women or children, for fear of scaring off the very skittish Wrench-Weilding Male.

A Cold Day in Detroit

Henry Payne, 1/23/13:
Hey, we haven't had one of these in a while, so everyone say it together:

"Global warming means it's never cold anywhere!"

Funny, these cartoons come later and later every year -- can't think why that would happen.

Be Careful With Your Rhetorical Questions

Chuck Asay, 1/23/13:
Asay, once again, makes his most radical opponents' points for them.

As long as you're regulating guns, why not do like the UK and outlaw them all? After all, clearly there's no other way to stop crazies from killing lots of people, right?

Those Horrible, Clinton-Era Tax Rates!

Steve Kelley, 1/23/13:
That guy is by definition making more than $400k a year, since that's the only people new federal taxes are hitting.

If he's whining that the two-year-old payroll tax cut wasn't extended yet again, I sincerely hope his next complaint won't be about the insolvency of Social Security....

Buy It Now, So He Can Sieze It Later!

Russell Hodin, 1/23/13:
But this time he really will, honest! He signed twenty-three executive orders! That's a real number that might actually mean something, so get really scared and buy more expensive guns!

Jan 23, 2013

We Don't Need No Water

Glenn McCoy, 1/22/13:
Obama really is a secretly Muslim Marxist sleeper agent dedicated to the utter downfall of America and a global Califate!

He just didn't have time to do any of the stuff he really wanted to in the first term -- but now Armageddon's coming!

Not Bird Nor Plane Nor Even Frog

Tony Auth, 1/22/13:
Presidents with a strongly adversarial opposition in control of the House, and who won't be running for anything ever again, have lots and lots of power, and can do everything they want!

In other news, liberals are still delusional.

Seriously, What's With the Giant Heads?

Gary Varvel, 1/22/13:
Aborted zygotes -- most of whom are only a few weeks along, and look more like frogs than anything else -- magically become talking giant-head Peanuts characters in heaven, rather than having been born into situations where they would be definitely unwanted, possibly abused, and often worse.

And the unwanted, abused, worse thing is what Varvel would prefer.

Jan 22, 2013

I Have a Bland Cartoon

Henry Payne, 1/21/13:
Payne is in favor of black American leaders, as long as they have been dead at least forty years.

Either that, or his paper insisted that he do something topical today, and this is as generic as he could get.

Can We Fix It? Yes We Can!

Stephen Rustad, 1/21/13:
Obama is shamefully sitting on his wonderful war machine instead of sending it to all corners of the globe to fix every problem in the world -- which is what the world itself is begging for!

Hey, look, the neocons are back!

Jan 21, 2013

Are You Ready For Some Dead Girls!?

Matt Bors, 1/18/13:
Sometimes a cartoon just says exactly what needs to be said, and the only commentary necessary is:

This. Exactly this.

All About Me

Christopher Weyant, 1/18/13:
I don't think Weyant intended to do a cartoon implying that Obama is the self-centered man in the world, but he just did so.

Banging the Table

Mike Lester, 1/19/13:
Whenever anything goes wrong, anywhere in the world, it's inevitably the fault of the politician that the cartoonist hates the most.

Even if that politician has nothing at all to do with the situation.

Home on the Range

Jeff Danziger, 1/18/13:
Ha ha! Texans have no civilization or industry! They live on a barren plain and just ride horses all day! They have no cities or higher culture!

Whenever I think that conservative cartoonists have the most contempt for their opponents, I only need to look at a few Danziger cartoons to set me right again.

Let Them Eat Charter Schools

Lisa Benson, 1/18/13:
Recent studies showing that the Head Start program's effects only persist for students in those programs -- and only slightly over subsequent years, as they continue on in substandard schools -- means that we should get rid of the thing that helps kids in the first place.

Remember: if a government program doesn't do everything perfectly, it's better just to get rid of it entirely and let the free market take over!

Kill Kids and You Don't Have To Pay Your Bills?

Michael Ramirez, 1/18/13:
Obama is only pursuing a gun ban to have more future taxpayers to make America's economy healthy and growing, so we can pay all of our debts -- which is a horrible, horrible thing.

Also, bonus points to anyone who can reasonably explain how this theory can fit with the GOP idea that Obama and the Dems promote abortion on demand because they want to destroy the future.

Won't You Think of the CHILDREN?!

A. F. Branco, 1/18/13:
Passing tough rules to control gun violence -- particularly if done through executive orders -- will cause children to be violently attacked even more, because not even the GOP can control those NRA crazies, you know!

This is also perhaps the most cynical "using kids as a shield" usage I've ever seen, and that's saying something.

Jan 18, 2013

Everybody's Gotta Die Sometime, Red

Michael Ramirez, 1/17/13:
It's pointless to try to regulate anything unless you can stop all death forever, world without end.

So you might as well just let the companies paying the most money set the laws.

Only You Can...

Chuck Asay, 1/1713:
Yes, women of America: forty years of men like Chuck Asay not being able to control your bodies, no matter how very much he wanted to.

Hope you've enjoyed them, because he's not giving up until you give in. (Although many women have known men like that before, to their sorrow...which is not unrelated.)

Just Say No

Mike Lester, 1/17/12:
It's really frustrating how much security one Marxist Kenyan-born black guy can have -- so much that regular red-blooded Americans feel that they have no chance to kill him.

Oh, and the undertone of "shoot black guys, not cute white kids." Can't forget that.

Jan 17, 2013

Kit and Kaboodle

Gary McCoy, 1/16/13:
Every rape is the woman's fault: if she had only fought back harder, she could have stopped it.

Also, Planned Parenthood is evil, because they allow women to have sex without immediately having the babies God ordained.

Shot With His Own Gun

Michael Ramirez, 1/16/13:
Something that hasn't happened yet and which is only vaguely outlined is definitely unconstitutional!

And vastly more so than the thousands of other executive orders -- many of them so secret, we can't even know they exist! -- that presidents have issued for two generations!

The Stan Kelly Cartoon of the Week Award Goes To...

Bob Englehart, 1/16/13:
If only everything Englehart likes to do was mentioned in the Constitution, he'd never have to change at all!

I mean, millions of people dying of emphysema and lung cancer, sure, but smoking on airplanes again!

The Pursuit of Unanimity

A.F. Branco, 1/16/13:
Individuals do not get to choose which political parties they belong to -- media personalities will decide for them.

3 Things Make...Well, I Don't Know WHAT

Charlie Daniel, 1/16/13:
Oooh, I know this one -- $10,000 Pyramid, right?

Um... Things That Make No Sense?

Things That an Undertaker Might Say?

Words That Begin With "Para"?

Charlie, let me know if I get within a thousand miles of your point, OK?

Jan 16, 2013

Those First Amendement Remedies

A.F. Branco, 1/15/13:
To drastically reduce gun violence, all we have to do is force Hollywood to stop making violent movies, bringing us in line with other advanced countries...who watch the same movies we do, but have much more restrictive gun laws.

That's because Americans are uniquely gullible and easily led...or so Branco hopes.

Jan 15, 2013

Flat Stanley, USMC

Jerry Holbert, 1/14/13:
Gosh! We might be in danger of only spending 40% of the total world budget for the military, instead of 41%!


If Only Police Have Guns, Then, Then, Well SOMETHING Bad Will Happen!

Glenn McCoy, 1/14/13:
If we allow the guv'mint to take away our guns, how will we ever assassinate that {racial slur removed} in the White House?

Also, every individual is entirely responsible for their own safety, because the only good government is one that's already been drowned in the bathtub.

That'll Learn 'Em!

Terry Wise, 1/14/13:
If someone's giving you lip, just hit 'em until they shut up.

It's especially easy if you're bigger and stronger than they are -- double points if you're in a position of power, so they can't do anything about it.

Jan 14, 2013

Fatty Gets a Stylist

A.F. Branco, 1/10/13:
Global temperatures are not rising, because Al Gore (who is the sole source of all scientific data on that temperature increase) is fat!

Oh! And he founded a business that he sold at a profit! And that's totally evil for someone who cartoons for the Conservative Chronicle, since we all know conservatives hate business and profits.

So clearly he's wrong!

Bambi's Back -- and He's Pissed!

Mike Lester, 1/12/13:
The real reason we can't limit guns is because those "cute, harmless" hunted animals are really just lying in wait for us to loosen our guard -- and then they'll strike!

Only America's hard-working hunters stand between us and the Animal Apocalypse!!!!!!

That Old Slippery Slope Once Again

Chuck Asay, 1/11/13:
If you don't hound gays back into the closet right now, we'll have man-horse sex in the street next week!

Really! And those people -- never mind who, but Asay knows who they are -- are totally in favor of pedophilia!

Remember -- any sex other than missionary style with the single lifetime spouse given you by God is utterly evil!